Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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