Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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