I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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