Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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