My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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