So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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