Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize