dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize