We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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