In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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