How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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