why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You can't just leave with hair like that
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize