At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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