Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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