I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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