god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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