Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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