Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
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She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't turn off my feet"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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