Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
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In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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