i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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