I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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