True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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