Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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