did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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