Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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