Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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