He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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