do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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