I wish my penis had an off switch
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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