Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
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Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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