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would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
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