Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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