Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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