Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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