dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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