how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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