I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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