please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize