Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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