it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize