Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
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Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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