I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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