the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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