my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize