Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize