The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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