I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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