He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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