I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize