Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
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That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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